Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Never Ending Battle

I started this piece about 4 years ago. First as a sketch, then as a drawing, then as painting, and now as digital art. I don't know what it is about this piece but I have never been able to "get it right". This is the most "right" that I feel like I'll get it. However, I also feel like it will be a never ending battle. 
And while I keep going back and forth with this piece, never feeling like it's complete, it will always hold a special place in my heart. Not only because I've already put so much time into it, but because it is the piece that gave me all ideas for my comic and in some ways shaped my style of art.

Note: I also still haven't decided if I like it better with or without the border. So it would really help if you gave your input on which one you like better. (If you click on it it gets bigger.... duh?) (Top without border and bottom with border)

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Pulling it off.

As 3 am approaches I find myself rambling yet again. Not for self assurance this time. Not for worry. Not for strength. Not for feeling better than you. But just to ramble.
Today I found myself walking a walk that made me also talk the talk. I'm not sure if it was the four hours of sleep I managed to fit in after a 6 hour WildStar rage or just the good vibes. It could have been the money I put in my pocket after a good deed or just the fact that I could eat another day. Or maybe it was the other eight hours of WiiU play with a best friend or just the ride home listening to new music. Either way, some days you just feel like you're pulling it off.
My brain has been thinking up ideas like a machine gun with unlimited ammo. I've been having a creative burst for almost a month now with not enough time or resources to make them all happen. I've been finding myself rearranging my apartment just for a five minute skit. I've been making noise with my computer that may actually one day resemble a song. I've been typing away on my phone every chance I get only to notice I'm typing up a script for a movie I never planned on writing. My mind keeps mixing up German with English only to make me wonder how I've actually retain so much information on a subject I never gave any fucks about, yet suddenly do. I have gained more jobs that don't pay me anything than jobs that pay me even the slightest bit. And somehow those are the jobs I work the hardest on and care the most about. I've reconnected with friends that were more acquaintances than friends and now want nothing more than to see their smiling face.
I know I've said it a thousand and one times but just make it work. Whatever your "it" is just figure out a way to work it into your life. I don't care how much sleep you miss or how mad you get. I don't care if it seems impossible or if you fail. I don't care if people call you crazy or if they can't understand why you do what you do. I don't care if you cry and scream and yell at the sky because no one fucking gets it, because no one fucking cares, and because no one is helping and it's just you fighting over and over again. I'm telling you.... it's worth it. It's worth all of the hard work because of moments like this. All of the frustration is worth it for one night of sitting alone in front of your computer in your apartment you can hardly afford and saying to yourself, "fuck.... everything is not okay... but I'm happy."
I realize that sounds absolutely insane. Maybe it is. Maybe I've gotten to the point where I've worked so hard and lost so much sleep that my mind has gone completely awry. But something somewhere in my fucked up brain is telling me it's not insane and that it's all worth it and that one day... one day... I'm gonna be on top of the fucking world screaming that I was right. Someday I'm not going to just have one day where I'm pulling it off but a never ending streak of days where I'm pulling it off.

Monday, June 9, 2014

Professional Bullshitter

Working hard doesn't necessarily mean hating what you do. Learning something doesn't necessarily mean having to learn everything. And doing something you love doesn't necessarily mean loving every minute of it. I use to think I worked hard most of my life. But I wouldn't really call being a professional bullshitter working hard. I'd call it being a bullshitter.
But as things change and as I actually start establishing myself I find myself actually really, really fucking working. More than I thought humanly possible.
I keep finding myself having to put into perspective how much I actually work. Because I've never actually worked this much and this hard for something. And I say "have to" because a lot of the time it gets to the point where people start to think I'm bailing on them for other things or other people. When in reality, I'm working. Working on anything. Shit... I have so many projects going on right now I just tell people, "I do stuff on the internet." Even if it makes it seem like I do porn or some shit I don't even care anymore. I've stopped trying to explain it really.
The other thing I find myself having to put into perspective is how much I enjoy being busy and how much I fucking love doing what I'm doing. Being so busy that I don't actually know how much time has passed since the Sun went down. So busy that grabbing a drink is going to have to literally be just A drink because, "bro, I have shit to do." So busy that texting you right now just isn't going to happen so get over it. So busy that, fuck it you know what, I actually don't even have time to explain it. And I love it so much that I keep adding more things to do. I love it so much that in fact, you didn't hear this from me but, two videos a day might actually be happening soon.
As I continue what I call my journey I realize how much I've learned and how much I've loved learning it and how much I want to learn more of it. I've come to realize that everything before this moment means nothing and that everything in the future means nothing. But guess what, this moment, right now, like right now right now, it also means nothing. Yet, as the humans we are, we are constantly seeking for something that doesn't mean nothing. And for me, well, that would be to get as far as I can.
About 90% of my time is dedicated to advancing. Advancing to what? I don't know. But advancing none the less. In fact, about 5% of my time is dedicated to ripping my hair out and cursing at electronics because advancing isn't happening. The other 5% of my time is dedicated to acting like as much of a complete moron as possible. Because what the hell else am I suppose to do with it?
I know I ramble a lot. I get it. But this rambling always means something. Maybe not to you. But I've already explained in another post how I don't care about that. This is to help me. Regardless of the fact that I post it for the world to see. And if my ramblings happen to help you in some way... ummm... you're welcome?
Anyways, the somethings and the nothings that may or may not be happening can't really be discussed at the moment. But sometime in the future it can be. Regardless I will continue to work just as hard if not harder. I will continue to put effort into something that drains me via body and mind. Into something that ultimately means nothing, but means a whole lot of something to me. Into something that well, fuck it, it's fucking doing it's fucking job and is fucking helping me with something fucking spectacular and is giving me a reason to not be so goddamn cynical all the fucking time. And yes, I could have totally not cursed in that sentence but it wouldn't have gotten the point across as much as I wanted it to.
I'm getting off track yet again. The entire point of all this guys.... is to work hard. Work so hard at something that people call you crazy. But be fucking good at it. Like for real. Don't be a professional bullshitter.

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Hey Mom,

Hey. Mom. Pssst. Over here.
Hey so, I already know you're gonna cry over this. Because you're a fucking sap. And lets be honest, you'll cry over just about anything. Except for split pasta sauce. That doesn't seem to bother you too much. (Don't act like you don't remember.) We all remember. It was fucking everywhere.
So I thought about just sending a text. Like, "hey happy Mothers Day!" And then just throw a ton of emojis all over the place just to show you I give a shit. But I already know you know I give a shit. So really it's pointless. So I decided to just make you cry instead. Because you know what... I wasn't a terrible kid... and I didn't really make you cry all that much I don't think. So I'm gonna go ahead and make myself feel better by telling myself that you deserve it.
But all that is really beside the point. The point is this... it's Mothers Day right? Well guess what, it doesn't fucking matter. Because whether or not you believe it everyday is mothers day for you. No matter how shitty your day is. No matter how shitty you get treated one day. No matter who ignores, passes, or bumps into you. Every day is your day. Are you still a little confused?
Literately everyday, and I do mean EVERY day, something happens and even if for just a second you pop up in my mind. Let me just give you some examples. Just in case you still don't get it.
So remember that one time we went to Kohl's and I was being the idiot that I am and I bought the wrong size leggings? Remember how you brought them along with the receipt to me when you visited so I could return them and get whatever I needed? Well, I put the receipt on my bulletin board and I still haven't returned them. The receipt is dated December 27, 2013. I've 100 percent convinced myself that this is far too long in the past to do anything about it now yet I still haven't removed that damn receipt form my board. And to be honest... it's probably going to stay there until I move.
Oh, but remember that one time you killed my sunflower? I was really looking forward to that sunflower having a long happy life. But now it's dead. And ever since its been dead I've been trying to make a helpless sunflower live long and prosper. But I'm almost convinced that you've given me some sort of sunflower killing curse because they just keep dying. I actually just murdered another one last week. But I'll keep on trying.
Every time I want a salad the only salad I want is from Salad Creations. Which in return makes me instantly think of you because I'm almost positive none of my terrible habit like friends have eaten there with me. So you're always the one I drag along. So you are basically forever connected to me via salad.
Any time I open my tupperware cabinet. (Which by the way, can we discuss the fact that I even have a cabinet dedicated to just tupperware!? Also how that is definitely your fault.)
Also any time that my tupperware spills out of the cabinet onto me and I curse to myself, "just organize it already! How is it such a difficult thing to accomplish in your life!?" (I still half expect Somer to come running for it.)
Any time I think about Somer. And that one time she destroyed my Bennie Baby and you made her apologize. And sure as shit she did.
Remember those times I had really shitty dreams and I snuck into your room at like 3 am and nearly gave you a heart attack every time because I wouldn't wake you up. I'd just stare at you until you could sense it and you'd wake up terrified. I still get those fucking dreams. It's starting to get really annoying actually. (By the way it involves me flying over the ocean and then drowning in it. Just if you were ever wondering.)
How about that time you carried me into the ocean and I bitched about it the entire time because I literally thought you were gonna drop me and I would die out there. As if you would drop me and then just suddenly disappear and I'd be stuck to fend for myself.
Any time someone tells me, "everything happens for a reason." Which I still think is bullshit. But you don't. So it still makes me feel like 3.5 percent better. And sometimes that 3.5 percent really fucking counts.
When someone comes over to my apartment and asks me why I have a damn night light in my bathroom. Like I'm some kind of five year old terrified of the dark. My responds is always, "so Sush can see at night. Duh." But really it's just out of habit. We've always had one. I've never not had one. If there wasn't a night light in the bathroom how on Earth would I know that it's a bathroom? I just wouldn't! I might be pissing in the living room for all I know.
Do you even get it now? Do you now understand how everyday is your day? Even if I go weeks without texting or calling. Even if the only reason I call is to ask you about something fucking stupid like what that one card game was called that we played forever ago. But not so I could play it. Just because it would drive me crazy if I didn't know the name of it. (Which I still don't remember. So text me okay?)
I know there have been times and that there will be many more times that I make your life a living hell. I'm sure you've cursed my name at some point asking why. Why couldn't you just be someone else. Someone else in some other time in some other place. Everyone does it. You don't have to be perfect and say you've never wished it. It's okay. I've done it. But I'm glad you're not someone else in some other time in some other place. It wouldn't be the same. I had the best fucking childhood any child could ask for and you really are the best mom that you could ever be.
You're perfect in so many ways that I cannot even begin to count. You're stronger than I could ever hope to be. More courageous than any lion I could ever think up. Way more fearless than any hero I could write about. Most of all you're more loving than anyone I will ever meet. If the time comes that I ever become not me and I decide I want children in my life (yeah, so far you're still not getting grandbaby's out of me) I can only hope to be half the mom you are to me. I can only hope because never will I ever accomplish such perfection.
Your Jax/Tigger/Tweety/Sweety/Twin/whateverthefuckyouwanttocallme

Sunday, May 4, 2014


To fight for something is a beautiful thing. It can be anything. Even if it is for all the wrong reasons it can still be beautiful. Because to fight for something means that you care enough. Still, even if it is for all the wrong reasons, you care. When fighting you always hope that the outcome will be on your side. But the fight, that's what counts the most even if the outcome isn't what you hoped for.
I got to witness it first hand this weekend. I was able to see what people can do together when fighting hard enough.
I don't really share it much but I guess now is a good time. I'm use to death. And while it may be a rather odd thing to be use to, I am use to it none the less. It doesn't matter how or why right now. What matters is what I am not use to. I am not use to life. Not my own life, but others. Other peoples life and their fight to keep it. In my experience once something goes wrong that is it. Even my bravest warriors, the ones I looked up to the most, called it quits with very little try. But I saw something so different this time. I saw the fight. And I am experiencing the win. And it's fucking beautiful. And I am fucking proud.
As I sit here and contemplate whether or not you need to know the entire story of this fight that has taken me aback I simultaneously realize that I am really only talking to a select few people. And those people are the ones that were there. The people who probably don't realize what a beautiful thing this was to witness.
Baby steps are the ones that count but what about when we take things in leaps? What about when your entire life flashed and then changes before your eyes? I watched someone who I always viewed as indestructible sit in a chair in pain. Yet, as destructible as he may be, still acted as indestructible as I once viewed him. Which in turn made him that much stronger in my eyes.
As for everyone around him well... shit... it is fucking amazing what the people who love you will do for you. Because while he is the one who is fighting the toughest battle, everyone else is still fighting just as hard for him. Everyone else has lives that have also been flipped upside down. And everyone else wants this just as much as he does.
All in all I realized this weekend how fucking proud I am of my family and how we have all come such a long way. How after all that has happened to us there is still somehow strength to keep going. How even though we can be stubborn, pushy, addicted, ocd, lazy, moody, or tired, we just keep going. We just keep trying and we don't give up. We put our stupid human feelings aside for like five minutes and we get shit done. Because shit needs to get done and if we don't do it no one else fucking will.