Monday, December 23, 2013

I've Been Thinking

As the new year approaches I'm of course thinking more and more about... well, everything. I think we all do. We all want new beginnings. A fresh start. Something new. Or a spark in something old. Yeah. I want all that too.
But I've been thinking about the person I've become. About how different things are now. More different than ever before. The things I want for myself are nothing like what I ever wanted before. I have more passion in my eyes and more drive than ever before. Learning that having passion and drive means to also be very selfish and lonely. I've learned to do things on my own. I've learned to be okay with being alone. I think I overcame my greatest fear in that sense. Trying new things and going for them was never the hard part. It's being alone while you're trying to do those things. Alone is tough. In fact, it's downright terrifying.
I've been thinking about humans and how terribly mean they are. I've been thinking about friends and how friends no longer matter if there is no understanding of each other. How it's not like I have time to "hang out" anyways even if I did have friends. Which is why people leave in the first place. That and they are just sick of my bullshit. But I've never been one to stick around for the ridiculousness of the roller coaster of emotions. I always take logic over emotions. I guess Spock was a bad idol choice if I wanted friends.
I've been thinking about how far I've come and how many things I've accomplished. I never sat back and reflected on it before. But when I started listing all the things in my head I shocked myself. I've always done things so someone else could be proud of me. Never knowing exactly who it was that I wanted to impress. As long as it was someone. But a thought came to me and I just couldn't seem to shake it. I am actually proud of myself. Proud of building myself up from nothing. Proud that I've managed to maintain a full time job, go to school, and still do what I love. Proud that I at least tried. Proud that I made multiple names for myself and that I can always go back those names.
I've been thinking about all the places I've been and all the people I've met. I've fucking been places. Places that don't really matter in the big scheme of things. But places that now matter to me. Parking garages that were just as good as a place to call home for a night. Hotel pools that were the most refreshing showers I've ever had. Hole in the wall bars that would make any mother cringe, yet somehow I felt more safe than ever before. Parks that made 4 am worth it. I've met some amazing fucking people. People that I can say I was honored to meet. People that blew my mind when they spoke. People that have taken my breath away without having to speak. Nobodies that are now huge somebodies. Somebodies that I thought were nobodies. People who live in different states. In different countries. People who have changed my life. People that have said I changed their life.
I've been thinking about my choices and how I'm perfectly okay with them. How we all learn to cope somehow. How I'd be way better off financially if I wasn't trying to pursue this wild dream of mine. How I could "have it all" if it didn't make me hate myself. How I'll never stop trying. Not even if it kills me. No matter how exhausted I become or how many times my body tells me it's time to stop. How you shouldn't get comfortable; because once you do you'll never leave. And leaving is already the hardest part.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Something Spectacular

We'd all like to think were going places. Whether it be to fame, to fortune, to the Moon, to Canada, or even just to the Walmart down the road. Baby steps right? As more and more opportunities present themselves in my life, the more I wonder what the fuck is happening. Things don't happen the way you want them to. Even the good things. There are no reasons. So just stop. Everything is unexpected, as it should be.
Life doesn't present itself to you. It isn't trying to fucking impress you. It's not going to knock on your door and say, "What up Jax, I got a surprise for you. Here's a miracle. You're welcome." No, you've gotta fucking work for things. I've gotten off easy before. I think we all have. But that doesn't shape me as a person. That time I skipped school so I could avoid being the nerd for a day didn't help me at all. How about the time I called out of work because I just didn't feel like dealing it? Well thanks 17 year old Jacquie, I'm about $50 short because of you.
This took me a long time to realize. For a long time I thought I was owed things. I thought that someone somewhere should be pulling some strings for all the shit I've had to put up with. Like my 20 years of life was somehow so difficult and tormenting. As if people didn't experience heartbreaks and death and depression all the time. Like I was somehow special and deserved more. I don't know if maturity had anything to do with it or if I just finally snapped out of it. But it doesn't really matter. I'm here now. And there's no way I can go back. I wouldn't want to.
I often work 10 hour days. Often, so I can take 3 classes. I often cancel plans with friends so I can go home just to record and edit a video. Often, so I can go home on break the next day and upload said video to the internet. Where it often gets lost in the abyss. I am often up at very late hours of the night. Often, drawing or writing. Often, to forget about it all. Often, feeling unbearably lonely. I often wonder if there are enough hours in the days. Usually to just cancel more plans to make more hours. Mostly just to shut out the world. Always to wake up to something beautiful. The next challenge. The next opportunity if you will. This is a happy ending. I promise you.
There's no way to stress it enough. Work hard. Work so hard you feel like you could collapse at any second. Make people wonder how you do it. And while their sitting there wondering, tell them your goals. Tell them your dreams. Tell them... you're gonna fucking make it even if it kills you. Tell them you'd actually rather die trying than slow down, because it will make it that much more worth it. Then disappear one day. Don't say any goodbyes. Don't brag. Just finish your journey. This is a beautiful journey. I promise you.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Cry of Fear Review: Holy Shit, I'm Fucking Terrified!

When starting Cry of Fear I wasn't sure what to expect. I knew nothing about the game aside from it being classified as horror. Except they shouldn't classify it as "horror". No. They should classify it as, "Holy shit, I'm fucking terrified right now, someone help me please, I don't want to play anymore."
Okay, okay... maybe I'm over exaggerating a bit. Except at the time, when I was actually playing the game, those were some of the thoughts that were going on in my head.
So meet Simon. Just your average teenager. He's depressed. He likes a girl that doesn't like him back. He's ignoring his mother. And oh yeah, he sees terrifying demon zombies. This isn't a new concept in horror games. In fact, just about every horror game has the same story line. Except Cry of Fear got it right.
In the first 10-30 minutes (depending on how long it takes you to get through a fucking window in my case) there is the gnarliest of jump scares I've ever experienced. I screamed so loud I was actually worried about my neighbors calling the cops; thinking that I was being brutally murdered or something. That was the moment I knew this game couldn't be trusted.
From that point on it didn't get any easier to control the screams. Or the sweaty palms. I was beside myself at some moments playing this game. Telling myself, "it's only a game. It will be alright." Telling myself this of course did no good. It's like someone on acid trying to convince himself that he isn't on acid. It's just not going to work. He's still going to be on acid no matter how many times he tells himself he isn't. Just like this game is going to be horrid no matter how many times I tell myself it's just a game.
After much thought I'm pretty sure I finally figured out what makes it so horrifying. Most horror games have a rhythm to them. After awhile you start to figure it out. Then once you do, you can turn corners and open doors and know exactly what is coming for you. Not Cry of Fear. When I said earlier that they got it right I wasn't just saying that. As soon as I got comfortable with one monster they either brought in a new one or switched. As soon as I thought, "there can't possibly be anything creepier than a zombie with spikes as arms and legs," there in the distance were zombies shooting at me. That's exactly what I need in my life! Zombies fucking shooting at me! As if I wasn't already worried about the zombies crawling on the floor with knifes.
Then once I was introduced to every zombie they had to offer, I get put in a damn maze. A maze with blood stained walls and no hope on where to go. I don't think I actually knew what, "I'll wing it," meant until that moment. And there wasn't just one blood stained wall maze. There were multiple.
Then there's the music. Every note made me cringe. Numerous times (especially during boss fights) I actually turned off the volume in my headset just so I could have more focus because the music was getting to me. Not the zombies. The music.
As far as the story line goes, great job guys. Not many horror games keep me entertained in the story. Maybe my attention span in too short because there seems to always be too much reading in horror games. Or maybe I can't read. Either way, my focus isn't usually on the story. However, Team Psykskallar pulled off a story that kept my attention. They only managed to loose me once. This moment was when Simon and Sophie were having their moment on the roof. I don't know... I'm not much of a sap so I didn't care for it. But I get why it was important.
Moving on.
Overall, wonderful game. My perspective on games (indie horror specifically) has changed after playing Cry of Fear. I say that as a good thing. My expectations are now raised. I may still scream like a little bitch druing jumpscares, but I now know what it takes to make it through your silly game. So bring it on horror games!

To see me play Cry of Fear and scream like the girl that I am check out my playlist:

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Magical Marshmallow God

I pride myself on my ability to not deal with stupid human emotions. I don't mean in the "bury it deep down inside until one day it erupts into a Hellish nightmare" kind of way; but in a "I accept the fact that this happened and I am going to continue forward" kind of way.
But my mind has been difficult tonight. I try not to think about him. Ever. He's the only thought that can truly make me spiral into complete insanity if I don't grasp my reality at some point in the downfall.
Most of us have lost someone to that Death asshole before. The point isn't for you to know about the person who is gone. It's about how fucking annoying it is to know you'll never get whats going on. Selfishness.
When I think about him that's what is usually going on up there in my stupid brain. I don't need to reminisce on the "good times". If you love someone enough the good times won't disappear when they do. I don't need to think about what he could be doing right now. I know what he'd be doing. He'd be sitting his happy ass on a beach chair in Key West with a beer and possibly a doobie, checking out every guy that walked by. The man knew how to live. He did it right. I don't even care what he would say to me if he was sitting right here in front of me. I know him all too well. He'd most likely slap me in the dumb face for making certain things hold me back from my art while he's been gone. And then he would call me Jacqueline. And I would roll my eyes because I hated that he loved the name so much. None of those thoughts matter. I know all the outcomes already.
I just think if I was somehow able to justify it, it wouldn't be so bad. Like if I actually believe people when they tell me, "he's in a better place now." Because that's suppose to work right? Like, it's suppose to make people feel better about the situation. As if said dead person is floating on fluffy marshmallows in the Heavens in the hands of an all mighty magical being makes total sense. That's how they say it. That doesn't do me any fucking good. If it did, I'd totally be chilling over there instead of dealing with this life thing I've been doing.
I realize that about 95% of you believe in things I'll never fully give a shit about. And that's 100% okay. No one needs to agree here. These are my thoughts. Not yours. I'd love to have a reason to get it. Sitting there, believing in stuff. It sounds fabulous. At least I'd be able to come up with some excuse about whats going on. I mean, my best answer is, "no fucking clue."
I'm not sure why I picked now to give a shit about expressing any of this. It's really none of your business. You probably don't care. That's fine. For those that do care, I thank you and appreciate it. I don't however need you to make me feel better or pray or do whatever it is that you do. That's the entire point of this I guess. I accept the fact that this happened and I am going to continue forward.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

I've Been Saying Thank You A Lot Lately.

Sitting around at 3 am I usually find myself deep in thought. Hunched over my desk, fingers blackened, clothes damned and smudged, drawing some nonsense that I will never finish. Yet, today is different. Today I am writing this not because I'm going through some emotional roller coaster that cannot be explained, but because I have to say thank you. As I notice I have been doing a lot lately.
I thought about making a video and I might still do that. However, I am terrible at conveying emotional human actions such as uncontrollable happiness. It often results in circle-ly nonsense talk and unexplainable hand motions. Examples are, but not limited to, the use of unreal words (such as circle-ly), blabber about time and space and how awesome I would be at being an astronaut, throwing middle fingers and f-bombs for no reason, touching of my hair far more than any human should, and so on.
Anyways, I fear I am getting off track. Tonight I hit 50 subscribers. To me this is a lot. I don't have 50 of many things. I rarely have 50 dollars in my bank account most days (I'm totally kidding mom... I'm fine.).
This is not all that happened tonight. No. While 50 subscribers is enough for me to freak a bit, it is not enough to keep me up all night. I was fortunate enough to be given partnership with Bent Pixels.
For those who don't know, gaining partnership helps a YouTuber make money off of videos they do not necessarily have ownership to. (aka: my gaming videos)
It has not been a long journey and while I may not feel fully entitled to be given a partnership I'm not going to deny one. I'm not that fucking crazy.
So what does this mean for you? Well, I guess not much. But for me it could mean everything. For me this is a wonderful, magical, beautiful thing.
*Inserting mushy girly feelings here* *Feel free to skip*
I don't think I'm entertaining. I don't think I'm funny. I don't think I'm anything great actually. I'm a human. And humans kinda suck. But you all make me feel differently. Your comments, likes, and most of all friendship is what gets me through these days lately. Your support is what keeps me uploading. Frankly, it's a lot of fucking work to do this everyday. Editing takes a long time. Uploading takes a long time. I spend most of my days working. Not only on videos. I hold a busy life. I don't have much free time. My time is not my own. I spend every minute of my days doing something to help myself progress. To be better. To level up if you will. It's lonely and tiresome.
However, this is irrelevant because you are all such wonderful people. Every comment and every message brightens my day. I feel unworthy. I try to talk to you all as much as time allows me and I hope that it makes up for the time you spend watching my videos and commenting and overall just spending your valuable time on me. I know how it is, I do the same with many other YouTubers. I just hope that I make you feel as special as you make me feel.
*Emotional rant is now over.*
All in all, I wouldn't still be uploading videos everyday if it wasn't for all of you lovely humans. For that, I thank you all a bagillion (yes, a bagillion) times. You all are wonderful and I want to be there to help you as you are here helping me.
One thing before I end this. This partnership would not even have happened if it wasn't for fellow YouTuber and friend Chris Caine. Please click on his name and check him out. He recommend me to Bent Pixels and is overall responsible for this happiness. He makes great videos and puts a lot of effort into his videos.
Once again, thank you to all of you and I hope you continue to stick with me on this adventure.

Your dear friend,

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Fable Legends Review

If you want to see the true nerd come out in this girl just watch me play any Fable game. I've followed the series since it started in 2004 and have been in love ever since.
Recently, Lion Head recently released information about what the fuck they have been doing for all this time. Turns out, they have been making more magical magic than ever before!

I wouldn't want to ruin the trailer with a lengthy description of how amazing it is, so you'll just have to find out for yourself.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Amnesia: A Machine For Pigs- Trailer Review

As if Amnesia didn't scare the living shit out of me enough, they have come out with another. They seemed to have upped the graphics and the terror by adding... yup, you guess it, dead animals. As well as what seems to be a giant pig that chases you around instead of our favorite Gatherers.
The trailer doesn't reveal much about the story line, but it does seem to have the same sort of game play that Amnesia: The Dark Descent had. You know, the ability to hold a fucking candle lit lantern and run away like a little bitch.
Regardless of the future nightmares I know I will be having, I am quite excited for the release date on September 10th.

Watch the trailer here:

Just A Thank You!

Monday, July 29, 2013

The Setup

As I prepare for my next big adventure there is only one thing that's missing. Nerdness.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Best Outlet To Exist Ever!

It's simple really. Today I discovered that I can vacuum my entire apartment by plugging my vacuum into one outlet and one outlet only.

We'll call this my Houseboat:

I promise Houseboat isn't this boring looking. This is as accurate as a layout as I can get with my experience in The Sims tho. Let us just accept this shitty drawing as my home and move on.

So, Houseboat has close to a billion outlets. I will highlight them in bright pink for you.

Since I've moved into Houseboat I have used every outlet to vacuum and have gotten pretty close to never having to unplug once. I actually never even thought it was possible. Or even thought about achieving this goal for that matter. Until today when it happened.
But before I can tell you which outlet is the one outlet to rule them all, you need to understand one thing. You see, vacuuming in Houseboat isn't an easy task. Not only do I already think vacuuming is super annoying; but I have HedgeDog to deal with as well.

This happens every time I have to unplug and restart the vacuum. As you can imagine this gets really annoying really quickly. So the simple task of having to unplug the vacuum turns into having to go through the growling and barking process all over again.

But then I found this:

When I found what I found I did not realize that it was in fact, the best outlet to ever be made. But then something happened in the mist of all the barking. My vacuum made it around the entire house! Without needing to be unplugged once!
In the end (when I realized what had just happened) my path looked something like this.

This may be no big feat, yet... somehow I felt as if I came out on top when I was done.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

One HedgeDog To Rule Them All

In getting to know who I am you must also know my family. Although, meeting my entire family at once could be a bit overwhelming. So I've decided to start with the most important part of my family.

My dog.

I've only known my dog for an estimate of five years. Five years usually isn't long enough to be considered the most important in anything. And considering my dog is only five years old, she REALLY shouldn't have very much pull. But somehow she has made it to the top of the list.

I like to think that she was rustling around in the hedges one evening and she slipped on a wet leaf and I caught her and we were the perfect match for each other and we lived happily ever after.

Unfortunately that was not the case and it took me some time to get use to this dog from within the hedges. When I met HedgeDog I guess you could say that didn't like her very much. In fact, the only reason I bought her was because the other dog who was my first choice had a dick of a sales employee. So Other Dog was quickly out of the equation and HedgeDog was bought.

Over the next few days I slowly began to fall in love with HedgeDog. She became my little ball of joy.

The tallest bar in my bar graph.

My slice of the pie if you will.

The more time I spent with HedgeDog the more I started to have suspicious thoughts that maybe an evil walrus with an eye patch took a DNA sample of mine and made a clone of me in dog form.

And although it seemed to be a wild suspicion.... it was and still is the most logical thing that could have possibly happened for us to be so similar. The similarities vary of course, however, some that I have noticed to be the most obvious are as follows and in no particular order:

How HedgeDog escaped the walruses evil lab I may never know. It seems to be a soar subject for her. But what I do know is that I'm happy she did.

Friday, May 10, 2013

Shitty Drawings Are Shitty. It's Nice To Meet You Too.

Sometimes I do things that don't always make sense. For instance, I drew this picture of a dinosaur.

But I draw this dinosaur quite often so that isn't really the weird part. The weird part is also not that this dinosaur does not have a tail. I am fully aware that it should. However, this one does not. The weird part is that based off this particular dinosaur drawing I've created an entire story in my tiny brain about this dinosaur.  Except I didn't really create an entire story.  I've just kind of decided that this dinosaur is me. And me.... I mean dinosaur ... I mean I.... have a story to tell.

So when the future becomes the future and so on and so forth you can refer to this dinosaur as Jax. She is friendly I promise. She is also super sarcastic so don't be surprised if you don't always like what comes out of her dinosaur mouth.

With that being said I am tired, as most dinosaurs tend to get after working a ten hour shift.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Game Review: The Binding of Isaac

The Binding of Isaac is an Indie game created by Edmund McMillen, or more popularly known for Super Meat Boy.  You control a sad little boy named Isaac who has locked himself in his basement because his mother has gone crazy and is trying to kill him.  As he is running around his basement (naked) he is trying to defeat all his greatest fears.  There are many unlock-ables and several unlock-able characters.  It is a no save, randomly generated game that will definitely grab your attention.
I was given this game as a gift.  That's right.... a gift.  At first I was a little turned off from playing it.  Do you blame me?  And then I played.  It is instantly addicting.  With no way of saving the game I started to find myself playing over and over again regardless of how many times I got stuck on level one.
The crude art work and Zelda like maps make this game flow quite nicely regardless of poor Isaac's reality.  The only thing I can really say is, if you don't do well with blood I don't recommend this game for you.  But I urge you to try it anyways.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

New Beginnings

I recently took an unexpected break from the interwebs. Not only due to the fact that my seven year old MacBook finally took a dump on me and decided to stop working almost completely; but my phone shattered, and I destroyed my external hard drive as well. This did however happen at the perfect time considering my new gaming computer from CyberpowerPC was on it's way.  So two weeks later here I am.
With nothing but a memory of the good ol' days I am here to start my journey (collection if you will) all over.  I guess we can call this a fresh start?

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

The Elder Scrolls Online Beta Testing

To be a beta tester is a beautiful thing. The opportunity to feel like you're among the "special" ones does indeed make you better than everyone else. (At least until it is released for everyone else to play). The Elder Scrolls Online is something I have personally been waiting for, for quite some time now. Of course as soon as I found out that beta testing was open for enrollment I signed up. Actually.... the first thing I did was say, "finally" quite loudly in the open spaces of my college. Then I received blank stares from the people around me. Then I signed up for beta testing.
The sign up form is fairly simple; requiring only basic info.  It does however give you the opportunity to better your chances to be picked for beta testing by asking what kind of equipment you have, if you've beta tested for another game before, or if you work for the game industry.  They also give you a section to write about why you of all people should be picked.  So don't be modest.
I hope to see you all on the playing field!

If you want the opportunity to be selected for beta testing be sure to sign up here.