I pride myself on my ability to not deal with stupid human emotions. I don't mean in the "bury it deep down inside until one day it erupts into a Hellish nightmare" kind of way; but in a "I accept the fact that this happened and I am going to continue forward" kind of way.
But my mind has been difficult tonight. I try not to think about him. Ever. He's the only thought that can truly make me spiral into complete insanity if I don't grasp my reality at some point in the downfall.
Most of us have lost someone to that Death asshole before. The point isn't for you to know about the person who is gone. It's about how fucking annoying it is to know you'll never get whats going on. Selfishness.
When I think about him that's what is usually going on up there in my stupid brain. I don't need to reminisce on the "good times". If you love someone enough the good times won't disappear when they do. I don't need to think about what he could be doing right now. I know what he'd be doing. He'd be sitting his happy ass on a beach chair in Key West with a beer and possibly a doobie, checking out every guy that walked by. The man knew how to live. He did it right. I don't even care what he would say to me if he was sitting right here in front of me. I know him all too well. He'd most likely slap me in the dumb face for making certain things hold me back from my art while he's been gone. And then he would call me Jacqueline. And I would roll my eyes because I hated that he loved the name so much. None of those thoughts matter. I know all the outcomes already.
I just think if I was somehow able to justify it, it wouldn't be so bad. Like if I actually believe people when they tell me, "he's in a better place now." Because that's suppose to work right? Like, it's suppose to make people feel better about the situation. As if said dead person is floating on fluffy marshmallows in the Heavens in the hands of an all mighty magical being makes total sense. That's how they say it. That doesn't do me any fucking good. If it did, I'd totally be chilling over there instead of dealing with this life thing I've been doing.
I realize that about 95% of you believe in things I'll never fully give a shit about. And that's 100% okay. No one needs to agree here. These are my thoughts. Not yours. I'd love to have a reason to get it. Sitting there, believing in stuff. It sounds fabulous. At least I'd be able to come up with some excuse about whats going on. I mean, my best answer is, "no fucking clue."
I'm not sure why I picked now to give a shit about expressing any of this. It's really none of your business. You probably don't care. That's fine. For those that do care, I thank you and appreciate it. I don't however need you to make me feel better or pray or do whatever it is that you do. That's the entire point of this I guess. I accept the fact that this happened and I am going to continue forward.