Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Something Spectacular

We'd all like to think were going places. Whether it be to fame, to fortune, to the Moon, to Canada, or even just to the Walmart down the road. Baby steps right? As more and more opportunities present themselves in my life, the more I wonder what the fuck is happening. Things don't happen the way you want them to. Even the good things. There are no reasons. So just stop. Everything is unexpected, as it should be.
Life doesn't present itself to you. It isn't trying to fucking impress you. It's not going to knock on your door and say, "What up Jax, I got a surprise for you. Here's a miracle. You're welcome." No, you've gotta fucking work for things. I've gotten off easy before. I think we all have. But that doesn't shape me as a person. That time I skipped school so I could avoid being the nerd for a day didn't help me at all. How about the time I called out of work because I just didn't feel like dealing it? Well thanks 17 year old Jacquie, I'm about $50 short because of you.
This took me a long time to realize. For a long time I thought I was owed things. I thought that someone somewhere should be pulling some strings for all the shit I've had to put up with. Like my 20 years of life was somehow so difficult and tormenting. As if people didn't experience heartbreaks and death and depression all the time. Like I was somehow special and deserved more. I don't know if maturity had anything to do with it or if I just finally snapped out of it. But it doesn't really matter. I'm here now. And there's no way I can go back. I wouldn't want to.
I often work 10 hour days. Often, so I can take 3 classes. I often cancel plans with friends so I can go home just to record and edit a video. Often, so I can go home on break the next day and upload said video to the internet. Where it often gets lost in the abyss. I am often up at very late hours of the night. Often, drawing or writing. Often, to forget about it all. Often, feeling unbearably lonely. I often wonder if there are enough hours in the days. Usually to just cancel more plans to make more hours. Mostly just to shut out the world. Always to wake up to something beautiful. The next challenge. The next opportunity if you will. This is a happy ending. I promise you.
There's no way to stress it enough. Work hard. Work so hard you feel like you could collapse at any second. Make people wonder how you do it. And while their sitting there wondering, tell them your goals. Tell them your dreams. Tell them... you're gonna fucking make it even if it kills you. Tell them you'd actually rather die trying than slow down, because it will make it that much more worth it. Then disappear one day. Don't say any goodbyes. Don't brag. Just finish your journey. This is a beautiful journey. I promise you.

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