Monday, December 23, 2013

I've Been Thinking

As the new year approaches I'm of course thinking more and more about... well, everything. I think we all do. We all want new beginnings. A fresh start. Something new. Or a spark in something old. Yeah. I want all that too.
But I've been thinking about the person I've become. About how different things are now. More different than ever before. The things I want for myself are nothing like what I ever wanted before. I have more passion in my eyes and more drive than ever before. Learning that having passion and drive means to also be very selfish and lonely. I've learned to do things on my own. I've learned to be okay with being alone. I think I overcame my greatest fear in that sense. Trying new things and going for them was never the hard part. It's being alone while you're trying to do those things. Alone is tough. In fact, it's downright terrifying.
I've been thinking about humans and how terribly mean they are. I've been thinking about friends and how friends no longer matter if there is no understanding of each other. How it's not like I have time to "hang out" anyways even if I did have friends. Which is why people leave in the first place. That and they are just sick of my bullshit. But I've never been one to stick around for the ridiculousness of the roller coaster of emotions. I always take logic over emotions. I guess Spock was a bad idol choice if I wanted friends.
I've been thinking about how far I've come and how many things I've accomplished. I never sat back and reflected on it before. But when I started listing all the things in my head I shocked myself. I've always done things so someone else could be proud of me. Never knowing exactly who it was that I wanted to impress. As long as it was someone. But a thought came to me and I just couldn't seem to shake it. I am actually proud of myself. Proud of building myself up from nothing. Proud that I've managed to maintain a full time job, go to school, and still do what I love. Proud that I at least tried. Proud that I made multiple names for myself and that I can always go back those names.
I've been thinking about all the places I've been and all the people I've met. I've fucking been places. Places that don't really matter in the big scheme of things. But places that now matter to me. Parking garages that were just as good as a place to call home for a night. Hotel pools that were the most refreshing showers I've ever had. Hole in the wall bars that would make any mother cringe, yet somehow I felt more safe than ever before. Parks that made 4 am worth it. I've met some amazing fucking people. People that I can say I was honored to meet. People that blew my mind when they spoke. People that have taken my breath away without having to speak. Nobodies that are now huge somebodies. Somebodies that I thought were nobodies. People who live in different states. In different countries. People who have changed my life. People that have said I changed their life.
I've been thinking about my choices and how I'm perfectly okay with them. How we all learn to cope somehow. How I'd be way better off financially if I wasn't trying to pursue this wild dream of mine. How I could "have it all" if it didn't make me hate myself. How I'll never stop trying. Not even if it kills me. No matter how exhausted I become or how many times my body tells me it's time to stop. How you shouldn't get comfortable; because once you do you'll never leave. And leaving is already the hardest part.