Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Never Ending Battle




I started this piece about 4 years ago. First as a sketch, then as a drawing, then as painting, and now as digital art. I don't know what it is about this piece but I have never been able to "get it right". This is the most "right" that I feel like I'll get it. However, I also feel like it will be a never ending battle. 
And while I keep going back and forth with this piece, never feeling like it's complete, it will always hold a special place in my heart. Not only because I've already put so much time into it, but because it is the piece that gave me all ideas for my comic and in some ways shaped my style of art.


Note: I also still haven't decided if I like it better with or without the border. So it would really help if you gave your input on which one you like better. (If you click on it it gets bigger.... duh?) (Top without border and bottom with border)

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Pulling it off.

As 3 am approaches I find myself rambling yet again. Not for self assurance this time. Not for worry. Not for strength. Not for feeling better than you. But just to ramble.
Today I found myself walking a walk that made me also talk the talk. I'm not sure if it was the four hours of sleep I managed to fit in after a 6 hour WildStar rage or just the good vibes. It could have been the money I put in my pocket after a good deed or just the fact that I could eat another day. Or maybe it was the other eight hours of WiiU play with a best friend or just the ride home listening to new music. Either way, some days you just feel like you're pulling it off.
My brain has been thinking up ideas like a machine gun with unlimited ammo. I've been having a creative burst for almost a month now with not enough time or resources to make them all happen. I've been finding myself rearranging my apartment just for a five minute skit. I've been making noise with my computer that may actually one day resemble a song. I've been typing away on my phone every chance I get only to notice I'm typing up a script for a movie I never planned on writing. My mind keeps mixing up German with English only to make me wonder how I've actually retain so much information on a subject I never gave any fucks about, yet suddenly do. I have gained more jobs that don't pay me anything than jobs that pay me even the slightest bit. And somehow those are the jobs I work the hardest on and care the most about. I've reconnected with friends that were more acquaintances than friends and now want nothing more than to see their smiling face.
I know I've said it a thousand and one times but just make it work. Whatever your "it" is just figure out a way to work it into your life. I don't care how much sleep you miss or how mad you get. I don't care if it seems impossible or if you fail. I don't care if people call you crazy or if they can't understand why you do what you do. I don't care if you cry and scream and yell at the sky because no one fucking gets it, because no one fucking cares, and because no one is helping and it's just you fighting over and over again. I'm telling you.... it's worth it. It's worth all of the hard work because of moments like this. All of the frustration is worth it for one night of sitting alone in front of your computer in your apartment you can hardly afford and saying to yourself, "fuck.... everything is not okay... but I'm happy."
I realize that sounds absolutely insane. Maybe it is. Maybe I've gotten to the point where I've worked so hard and lost so much sleep that my mind has gone completely awry. But something somewhere in my fucked up brain is telling me it's not insane and that it's all worth it and that one day... one day... I'm gonna be on top of the fucking world screaming that I was right. Someday I'm not going to just have one day where I'm pulling it off but a never ending streak of days where I'm pulling it off.

Monday, June 9, 2014

Professional Bullshitter

Working hard doesn't necessarily mean hating what you do. Learning something doesn't necessarily mean having to learn everything. And doing something you love doesn't necessarily mean loving every minute of it. I use to think I worked hard most of my life. But I wouldn't really call being a professional bullshitter working hard. I'd call it being a bullshitter.
But as things change and as I actually start establishing myself I find myself actually really, really fucking working. More than I thought humanly possible.
I keep finding myself having to put into perspective how much I actually work. Because I've never actually worked this much and this hard for something. And I say "have to" because a lot of the time it gets to the point where people start to think I'm bailing on them for other things or other people. When in reality, I'm working. Working on anything. Shit... I have so many projects going on right now I just tell people, "I do stuff on the internet." Even if it makes it seem like I do porn or some shit I don't even care anymore. I've stopped trying to explain it really.
The other thing I find myself having to put into perspective is how much I enjoy being busy and how much I fucking love doing what I'm doing. Being so busy that I don't actually know how much time has passed since the Sun went down. So busy that grabbing a drink is going to have to literally be just A drink because, "bro, I have shit to do." So busy that texting you right now just isn't going to happen so get over it. So busy that, fuck it you know what, I actually don't even have time to explain it. And I love it so much that I keep adding more things to do. I love it so much that in fact, you didn't hear this from me but, two videos a day might actually be happening soon.
As I continue what I call my journey I realize how much I've learned and how much I've loved learning it and how much I want to learn more of it. I've come to realize that everything before this moment means nothing and that everything in the future means nothing. But guess what, this moment, right now, like right now right now, it also means nothing. Yet, as the humans we are, we are constantly seeking for something that doesn't mean nothing. And for me, well, that would be to get as far as I can.
About 90% of my time is dedicated to advancing. Advancing to what? I don't know. But advancing none the less. In fact, about 5% of my time is dedicated to ripping my hair out and cursing at electronics because advancing isn't happening. The other 5% of my time is dedicated to acting like as much of a complete moron as possible. Because what the hell else am I suppose to do with it?
I know I ramble a lot. I get it. But this rambling always means something. Maybe not to you. But I've already explained in another post how I don't care about that. This is to help me. Regardless of the fact that I post it for the world to see. And if my ramblings happen to help you in some way... ummm... you're welcome?
Anyways, the somethings and the nothings that may or may not be happening can't really be discussed at the moment. But sometime in the future it can be. Regardless I will continue to work just as hard if not harder. I will continue to put effort into something that drains me via body and mind. Into something that ultimately means nothing, but means a whole lot of something to me. Into something that well, fuck it, it's fucking doing it's fucking job and is fucking helping me with something fucking spectacular and is giving me a reason to not be so goddamn cynical all the fucking time. And yes, I could have totally not cursed in that sentence but it wouldn't have gotten the point across as much as I wanted it to.
I'm getting off track yet again. The entire point of all this guys.... is to work hard. Work so hard at something that people call you crazy. But be fucking good at it. Like for real. Don't be a professional bullshitter.

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Hey Mom,

Hey. Mom. Pssst. Over here.
Hey so, I already know you're gonna cry over this. Because you're a fucking sap. And lets be honest, you'll cry over just about anything. Except for split pasta sauce. That doesn't seem to bother you too much. (Don't act like you don't remember.) We all remember. It was fucking everywhere.
So I thought about just sending a text. Like, "hey happy Mothers Day!" And then just throw a ton of emojis all over the place just to show you I give a shit. But I already know you know I give a shit. So really it's pointless. So I decided to just make you cry instead. Because you know what... I wasn't a terrible kid... and I didn't really make you cry all that much I don't think. So I'm gonna go ahead and make myself feel better by telling myself that you deserve it.
But all that is really beside the point. The point is this... it's Mothers Day right? Well guess what, it doesn't fucking matter. Because whether or not you believe it everyday is mothers day for you. No matter how shitty your day is. No matter how shitty you get treated one day. No matter who ignores, passes, or bumps into you. Every day is your day. Are you still a little confused?
Okay.
Literately everyday, and I do mean EVERY day, something happens and even if for just a second you pop up in my mind. Let me just give you some examples. Just in case you still don't get it.
So remember that one time we went to Kohl's and I was being the idiot that I am and I bought the wrong size leggings? Remember how you brought them along with the receipt to me when you visited so I could return them and get whatever I needed? Well, I put the receipt on my bulletin board and I still haven't returned them. The receipt is dated December 27, 2013. I've 100 percent convinced myself that this is far too long in the past to do anything about it now yet I still haven't removed that damn receipt form my board. And to be honest... it's probably going to stay there until I move.
Oh, but remember that one time you killed my sunflower? I was really looking forward to that sunflower having a long happy life. But now it's dead. And ever since its been dead I've been trying to make a helpless sunflower live long and prosper. But I'm almost convinced that you've given me some sort of sunflower killing curse because they just keep dying. I actually just murdered another one last week. But I'll keep on trying.
Every time I want a salad the only salad I want is from Salad Creations. Which in return makes me instantly think of you because I'm almost positive none of my terrible habit like friends have eaten there with me. So you're always the one I drag along. So you are basically forever connected to me via salad.
Any time I open my tupperware cabinet. (Which by the way, can we discuss the fact that I even have a cabinet dedicated to just tupperware!? Also how that is definitely your fault.)
Also any time that my tupperware spills out of the cabinet onto me and I curse to myself, "just organize it already! How is it such a difficult thing to accomplish in your life!?" (I still half expect Somer to come running for it.)
Any time I think about Somer. And that one time she destroyed my Bennie Baby and you made her apologize. And sure as shit she did.
Remember those times I had really shitty dreams and I snuck into your room at like 3 am and nearly gave you a heart attack every time because I wouldn't wake you up. I'd just stare at you until you could sense it and you'd wake up terrified. I still get those fucking dreams. It's starting to get really annoying actually. (By the way it involves me flying over the ocean and then drowning in it. Just if you were ever wondering.)
How about that time you carried me into the ocean and I bitched about it the entire time because I literally thought you were gonna drop me and I would die out there. As if you would drop me and then just suddenly disappear and I'd be stuck to fend for myself.
Any time someone tells me, "everything happens for a reason." Which I still think is bullshit. But you don't. So it still makes me feel like 3.5 percent better. And sometimes that 3.5 percent really fucking counts.
When someone comes over to my apartment and asks me why I have a damn night light in my bathroom. Like I'm some kind of five year old terrified of the dark. My responds is always, "so Sush can see at night. Duh." But really it's just out of habit. We've always had one. I've never not had one. If there wasn't a night light in the bathroom how on Earth would I know that it's a bathroom? I just wouldn't! I might be pissing in the living room for all I know.
Do you even get it now? Do you now understand how everyday is your day? Even if I go weeks without texting or calling. Even if the only reason I call is to ask you about something fucking stupid like what that one card game was called that we played forever ago. But not so I could play it. Just because it would drive me crazy if I didn't know the name of it. (Which I still don't remember. So text me okay?)
I know there have been times and that there will be many more times that I make your life a living hell. I'm sure you've cursed my name at some point asking why. Why couldn't you just be someone else. Someone else in some other time in some other place. Everyone does it. You don't have to be perfect and say you've never wished it. It's okay. I've done it. But I'm glad you're not someone else in some other time in some other place. It wouldn't be the same. I had the best fucking childhood any child could ask for and you really are the best mom that you could ever be.
You're perfect in so many ways that I cannot even begin to count. You're stronger than I could ever hope to be. More courageous than any lion I could ever think up. Way more fearless than any hero I could write about. Most of all you're more loving than anyone I will ever meet. If the time comes that I ever become not me and I decide I want children in my life (yeah, so far you're still not getting grandbaby's out of me) I can only hope to be half the mom you are to me. I can only hope because never will I ever accomplish such perfection.
Sincerely,
Your Jax/Tigger/Tweety/Sweety/Twin/whateverthefuckyouwanttocallme

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Proud

To fight for something is a beautiful thing. It can be anything. Even if it is for all the wrong reasons it can still be beautiful. Because to fight for something means that you care enough. Still, even if it is for all the wrong reasons, you care. When fighting you always hope that the outcome will be on your side. But the fight, that's what counts the most even if the outcome isn't what you hoped for.
I got to witness it first hand this weekend. I was able to see what people can do together when fighting hard enough.
I don't really share it much but I guess now is a good time. I'm use to death. And while it may be a rather odd thing to be use to, I am use to it none the less. It doesn't matter how or why right now. What matters is what I am not use to. I am not use to life. Not my own life, but others. Other peoples life and their fight to keep it. In my experience once something goes wrong that is it. Even my bravest warriors, the ones I looked up to the most, called it quits with very little try. But I saw something so different this time. I saw the fight. And I am experiencing the win. And it's fucking beautiful. And I am fucking proud.
As I sit here and contemplate whether or not you need to know the entire story of this fight that has taken me aback I simultaneously realize that I am really only talking to a select few people. And those people are the ones that were there. The people who probably don't realize what a beautiful thing this was to witness.
Baby steps are the ones that count but what about when we take things in leaps? What about when your entire life flashed and then changes before your eyes? I watched someone who I always viewed as indestructible sit in a chair in pain. Yet, as destructible as he may be, still acted as indestructible as I once viewed him. Which in turn made him that much stronger in my eyes.
As for everyone around him well... shit... it is fucking amazing what the people who love you will do for you. Because while he is the one who is fighting the toughest battle, everyone else is still fighting just as hard for him. Everyone else has lives that have also been flipped upside down. And everyone else wants this just as much as he does.
All in all I realized this weekend how fucking proud I am of my family and how we have all come such a long way. How after all that has happened to us there is still somehow strength to keep going. How even though we can be stubborn, pushy, addicted, ocd, lazy, moody, or tired, we just keep going. We just keep trying and we don't give up. We put our stupid human feelings aside for like five minutes and we get shit done. Because shit needs to get done and if we don't do it no one else fucking will.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

An eye for an eye


Well, here it is.
This is the first piece of art I've ever made on my Bamboo tablet using Photoshop. Actually, let me rephrase that. This is the first REAL piece of art I've ever made on my bamboo tablet using Photoshop. I've been making shitty dinosaur cartoons for awhile now. Which by the way, yes, I'm super proud of them as well.
But this... this shit right here. This shit took me all day.
You see, I woke up today and said to myself, "well fuck, I feel like being productive today. I feel like doing something that makes today worth it." I wanted to make one day, just one day, worth waking up in the morning for. So I did.
It literally took me all day. I've only ever used Photoshop for my photography; which if you've known me long enough you'd know I'm damn good at it. But that's besides the point. Seeing as how my Photoshop has only ever been set up for photos I had to reconstruct the entire thing. Downloading brushes, tools, ect. Changing almost every setting. Learning techniques that I've never even attempted before. It was fucking annoying. But as Google usually does, it helped me out a lot.
And while it may not be the best thing there is I'm sure as hell proud of it.
Go ahead, click on it.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

News I Want You To Know

I turned on my computer today like any other day. I played some video games, deleted e-mails instead of reading them, talked to a viewer, recorded some Let's Plays, and got on Skype. Overall a pretty productive day for someone who had the day off of her "real job".
Regardless, I got on Skype for one reason and one reason only. You see, I've been trying to get in contact this this fellow. Who works for this website. Who I e-mailed awhile back. Who then e-mailed me back agreeing to talk. Who since then has been on and offline at all the opposite times as I. 
So finally today we talked.
But what does that mean? It could mean nothing. It could mean something. It could mean fucking everything. It just all depends. Could I be anymore vague than I'm being right now? Probably. I don't know how to explain it, but it feels like I'm doing something right. I feel that often and I'm usually wrong. But what if I'm not this time?
Here's what I can explain...
I got a gig. A job. A paid fucking job with real fucking money for a real fucking website. A website that wants me to be the face on its videos. A website that thinks I've got what it takes to deliver news to a bunch of nerds. Yeah, you're all nerds. Be proud! I got a job for a website that put me in charge of a channel and they trust me to do what I think is best. Me. Jacquie. The same Jacquie that can't even decide if three weeks is too long to go without doing laundry. They trust that I'm going to just not fuck up. How insane does that sound?
It isn't much. I can't quit my shitty job any time soon. I can't go part time just yet. I might end up being really shitty at the entire thing and get fired. But it's something. And it could mean nothing. But it could also mean fucking everything. And I'm stoked. Because I work so damn hard day in and day out. I get no sleep. I still end up broke at the end of every month. And I never know for what. Because nothing ever seems to change. So maybe this will be the change. Maybe all the hard work will pay off sooner rather than later.
But then again maybe it won't. Maybe it will all stay the same yet again. Maybe, just maybe, I'll have to have yet another learning experience to add to my list of fuck ups.
But maybe... just maybe... it could mean fucking everything rather than nothing.

If you want a head start of checking out this place of work I intend to not fuck up at you can check them out at these places. You can also subscribe to any of them to see the first update by yours truly very soon.
Website: http://www.gamerheadlines.com/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/gamerheadlines
Twitter: https://twitter.com/GamerHeadlines
Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCTJitbAJWlZulbWk4mmmBHQ

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Being Better For The 100

There are actually 101 subscribers now. Regardless, it feels more real now. I know it's not a lot. Trust me. I know. But I remember being excited about 50 subs. I remember thinking how wonderful it is to have 50 people that are interested in something I'm doing. That feeling still remains. Except it's a little different. I feel like I owe it to you all to be making videos now. Especially the people who are constantly watching, commenting, and liking every video I upload.
How do I put this in a way for everyone to understand...
It's like, I spend hours doing this. Playing and recording the video game, editing the video, rendering the video, and uploading the video. It's unreal actually how much time is put into making one 10 minute video. Then you watch it. You take 10 minutes out of your day to watch some idiot girl play some idiot game. But those 10 minutes that you spend watching my idiot video makes all those idiot hours I spend on it worth it. Does that make any sense at all? I have no idea.
Let me try this way...
I've got the chance to talk to many of you. You're all wonderful and understanding people. Many of you are a lot like me in many ways that I don't show you. I've had some of you tell me that my videos make your day. That you were in a bad mood and then you watched a video and you felt better. Me.? Me. ME!? I make your day. With one video. Do you even know how incredibly great that makes me feel? Because I still don't believe it. Because YOU ALL make MY days. I'm sad sometimes and you guys make it better. And to think that I can do the same for you is why I feel I owe you all the videos in the world. It's why I try to make my videos better. It's why I apologize thousands of times when I miss some days.
Anyways, I've said it before and I'm sure you're sick of it... but thank you. Thank you so much. For everything. For watching, subscribing, liking, commenting, and most of all for caring. Thank you for caring so much that I have messages asking if everything is okay. Thank you for caring so much that I can't even go on Steam anymore because I get so many "hellos" that my computer freaks out a little bit. Thank you for caring so much that I can now say I have over 100 friends. Because you are. You are all my friends. And while we may never meet in person, if we meet at all, I still consider you a friend.

Friday, February 7, 2014

Three AM Doesn't Always Mean Sleep.

I keep forgetting. Forgetting that I don't have the luxuries. Forgetting that a lot of people dislike me. Forgetting that people are mean. Forgetting that I might not be the best. Or even second best. Or sometimes even third. Forgetting that while everyone else I know is out having fun I'm here. Struggling. Forgetting that three am doesn't always mean sleep. But just another rough night. Forgetting that it's almost all an act for me. That most of the time I can bare to forget it all. But forgetting that I'll stop forgetting and start remembering.
Remembering that I might be wasting my time. That I'm probably wasting my time. That I'm almost most definitely wasting my time. Remembering no one really gives a shit. Remember that, "oh, I can't go there because they don't want me there." Remembering that if I'm not hurting myself I'm hurting someone else. And if I'm not hurting someone else I'm hurting myself. Remembering that no matter what I say or how I say it, people just won't get it. Remembering that I can be a piece of shit too. Remembering that I want to stop fucking remembering. Remembering that I have to deal with it. That it's not going away anytime soon and that I just have to suck it up and keep pretending.
Pretending that I don't know all the shit people talk. Pretending that nothing is wrong. Pretending that I'm exactly where I want to be. That I'm on the right track and that I know it. Pretending that I've got it all figured out. That I might actually be the best. Or even second. Hell, I'd even settle for third. Pretending that I'm a goddamn warrior. That I don't want to throw things. Bash things over peoples heads. Run until my legs give out and I can't bare to breath anymore. Pretending that I'm not constantly wishing.
Wishing for a new beginning. A new ending. Or any ending. Wishing I was someone else. Someone who doesn't fuck up all the time maybe. Someone who might go somewhere. Wishing all my hard work actually might pay off. That it will all mean something. Wishing that I might have a chance. Wishing that the last ten years of my life was spent doing the things I love instead of hating every second of my shit job. Wishing I could get off easy like everyone else. Wishing that the random guy in the supermarket telling me I'm gorgeous wasn't the highlight of my week. Wishing that I could be complemented on something other my fucking looks. But something I've accomplished. Wishing I could change the world. Because, what do ya fucking know, I actually want to be the hero instead of the villain. Wishing that I could stop time for like...
I just keep forgetting. Forgetting until it's three am and I'm not asleep. Until it's just another rough night.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Keep Going

Sometimes it's difficult. To keep going that is. It's so easy to hold comfort in the stand still. The silence becomes soothing and calm. Creating a bubble around yourself can become oddly self assuring. I mean, you can't fuck up if you don't go anywhere or talk to anyone right? Time becomes a blur and the disconnection from the world starts to seem so easy.
It's tough to realize that you've been doing things wrong and working so hard on something that isn't worth it. It's tough to give up on said things because giving up in general is tough enough. Let alone when you've put so much time and effort into something. It's tough to deny people and to bring others bad news. It's tough to know that people will hate you for decisions you make. Even though at the end of the day it affects them in zero of the ways.
When I write it isn't usually for others. I'm quite selfish in my writings even if it seems like I could possibly be trying to help someone. I don't post this shit because I care if you read it. I post it because its not easy to do. It takes a lot of nonexistent balls on my part to post a ton of words that convey a bunch of stupid ramblings of emotions. I'm overall just testing myself. With each post I hope to reveal more that would otherwise be buried deep down inside my mind. I hope to confront that fear of opening up to others; hoping that with each post it will make it easier to do in real life. Hoping that it will result in less anger and less punching of walls. Hoping that the screaming in pillows will decrease in numbers and that the feeling of wanting to shake people until they throw up will just go away.
Maybe one day I can feel content. Maybe one day things can be easy. Maybe I'll be able to find beauty in the world. Maybe I will one day find someone who gets it. Maybe I somehow think that it is possible for me. While I'm not sure that my strung out anxiety would allow me to know what content and relaxation feels like; here's to hoping that maybe one day maybe will exist.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Inspiration

You don't need to find it from some special place. In fact, you don't even need to find it from the "right" place. You just need to find it. I can't tell you how many times I've been inspired by terrible, terrible things or situations. Often, I am inspired by loneliness or sadness. By past experiences that I just can't seem to shake. I try to turn these things into things that make me want to keep going. To keep moving forward.
Of course it isn't always easy. Sometimes it takes weeks. Months. Years.
Sometimes you can't feel inspired unless you do something about it. Unless you start something and finish it. Unless you try and then fail. Unless you tell someone how you really feel. Unless you smash your fist against a wall.
I've said this before; but I tend to find emotions ridiculous. To me, they are a flaw in the human body that we cannot stop. But we all have them and there is nothing we can do about it. But one emotion is so beautiful that it shouldn't be denied. I find that it can trigger all sense of inspiration. Passion. Passion for anything.
It's really difficult to find these days. It's been awhile you know... since I've seen it in someones eyes when they speak. I'm talking about the passion that when they talk they forget about everything around them. Nothing else matters. They are verbally envisioning their future and they are fucking stoked. When the second they open their mouth isn't a load of shit. When they aren't focused on impressing someone or trying to be a hot shot. Because no one gives a fuck anymore. Zero fucks being given is the cool thing to do now. Why? Why not give all the fucks?
If you want something why not give so many fucks that you'll do anything to get it. People go to school for years for something they apparently want to do for the rest of their lives; but in the end they still treat it like it's "just a job". They wait and wait because they don't want to actually start working hard for something. Because it's going to be too difficult to rise to the top anyways. So what's the point then? Why not just take a bullet to your head? It's better than being miserable day in and day out at a job you hate. Because that job quickly turns into your life. It took me too long to figure that one out.
People chase after "the one" for years. My first crush was in pre-k and chances are yours was too. If you find someone you give a shit about, enough to want to see their stupid face everyday, then fucking do something about it. No matter what. Even if other shit is getting in the way. Even if it's difficult. Even if you're too stubborn and hard headed to be the one to make the first move. Chances are, if you don't act, someone else is going to want to see that persons stupid face everyday too. Except they are going to do something about it.
But if there isn't anything you're passionate about or inspired by then just keep trying to be your best. It will come. Maybe not for awhile. But it will. I often think the reason people can't get inspired by something is because they aren't where they need to be. Or they aren't mature enough. I was a shithead for a very long time. I didn't care about much. But when it's time to grow up and care about something so much that you wouldn't want to live without it, I really hope you take that chance. Because I'll tell you what... it will be a chance. You'll work your ass off. You'll get no sleep. You might even fail miserable. But it's only going to give you more room to be more inspired by something more worth it.