Sunday, January 19, 2014

Keep Going

Sometimes it's difficult. To keep going that is. It's so easy to hold comfort in the stand still. The silence becomes soothing and calm. Creating a bubble around yourself can become oddly self assuring. I mean, you can't fuck up if you don't go anywhere or talk to anyone right? Time becomes a blur and the disconnection from the world starts to seem so easy.
It's tough to realize that you've been doing things wrong and working so hard on something that isn't worth it. It's tough to give up on said things because giving up in general is tough enough. Let alone when you've put so much time and effort into something. It's tough to deny people and to bring others bad news. It's tough to know that people will hate you for decisions you make. Even though at the end of the day it affects them in zero of the ways.
When I write it isn't usually for others. I'm quite selfish in my writings even if it seems like I could possibly be trying to help someone. I don't post this shit because I care if you read it. I post it because its not easy to do. It takes a lot of nonexistent balls on my part to post a ton of words that convey a bunch of stupid ramblings of emotions. I'm overall just testing myself. With each post I hope to reveal more that would otherwise be buried deep down inside my mind. I hope to confront that fear of opening up to others; hoping that with each post it will make it easier to do in real life. Hoping that it will result in less anger and less punching of walls. Hoping that the screaming in pillows will decrease in numbers and that the feeling of wanting to shake people until they throw up will just go away.
Maybe one day I can feel content. Maybe one day things can be easy. Maybe I'll be able to find beauty in the world. Maybe I will one day find someone who gets it. Maybe I somehow think that it is possible for me. While I'm not sure that my strung out anxiety would allow me to know what content and relaxation feels like; here's to hoping that maybe one day maybe will exist.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Inspiration

You don't need to find it from some special place. In fact, you don't even need to find it from the "right" place. You just need to find it. I can't tell you how many times I've been inspired by terrible, terrible things or situations. Often, I am inspired by loneliness or sadness. By past experiences that I just can't seem to shake. I try to turn these things into things that make me want to keep going. To keep moving forward.
Of course it isn't always easy. Sometimes it takes weeks. Months. Years.
Sometimes you can't feel inspired unless you do something about it. Unless you start something and finish it. Unless you try and then fail. Unless you tell someone how you really feel. Unless you smash your fist against a wall.
I've said this before; but I tend to find emotions ridiculous. To me, they are a flaw in the human body that we cannot stop. But we all have them and there is nothing we can do about it. But one emotion is so beautiful that it shouldn't be denied. I find that it can trigger all sense of inspiration. Passion. Passion for anything.
It's really difficult to find these days. It's been awhile you know... since I've seen it in someones eyes when they speak. I'm talking about the passion that when they talk they forget about everything around them. Nothing else matters. They are verbally envisioning their future and they are fucking stoked. When the second they open their mouth isn't a load of shit. When they aren't focused on impressing someone or trying to be a hot shot. Because no one gives a fuck anymore. Zero fucks being given is the cool thing to do now. Why? Why not give all the fucks?
If you want something why not give so many fucks that you'll do anything to get it. People go to school for years for something they apparently want to do for the rest of their lives; but in the end they still treat it like it's "just a job". They wait and wait because they don't want to actually start working hard for something. Because it's going to be too difficult to rise to the top anyways. So what's the point then? Why not just take a bullet to your head? It's better than being miserable day in and day out at a job you hate. Because that job quickly turns into your life. It took me too long to figure that one out.
People chase after "the one" for years. My first crush was in pre-k and chances are yours was too. If you find someone you give a shit about, enough to want to see their stupid face everyday, then fucking do something about it. No matter what. Even if other shit is getting in the way. Even if it's difficult. Even if you're too stubborn and hard headed to be the one to make the first move. Chances are, if you don't act, someone else is going to want to see that persons stupid face everyday too. Except they are going to do something about it.
But if there isn't anything you're passionate about or inspired by then just keep trying to be your best. It will come. Maybe not for awhile. But it will. I often think the reason people can't get inspired by something is because they aren't where they need to be. Or they aren't mature enough. I was a shithead for a very long time. I didn't care about much. But when it's time to grow up and care about something so much that you wouldn't want to live without it, I really hope you take that chance. Because I'll tell you what... it will be a chance. You'll work your ass off. You'll get no sleep. You might even fail miserable. But it's only going to give you more room to be more inspired by something more worth it.