Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Being Better For The 100

There are actually 101 subscribers now. Regardless, it feels more real now. I know it's not a lot. Trust me. I know. But I remember being excited about 50 subs. I remember thinking how wonderful it is to have 50 people that are interested in something I'm doing. That feeling still remains. Except it's a little different. I feel like I owe it to you all to be making videos now. Especially the people who are constantly watching, commenting, and liking every video I upload.
How do I put this in a way for everyone to understand...
It's like, I spend hours doing this. Playing and recording the video game, editing the video, rendering the video, and uploading the video. It's unreal actually how much time is put into making one 10 minute video. Then you watch it. You take 10 minutes out of your day to watch some idiot girl play some idiot game. But those 10 minutes that you spend watching my idiot video makes all those idiot hours I spend on it worth it. Does that make any sense at all? I have no idea.
Let me try this way...
I've got the chance to talk to many of you. You're all wonderful and understanding people. Many of you are a lot like me in many ways that I don't show you. I've had some of you tell me that my videos make your day. That you were in a bad mood and then you watched a video and you felt better. Me.? Me. ME!? I make your day. With one video. Do you even know how incredibly great that makes me feel? Because I still don't believe it. Because YOU ALL make MY days. I'm sad sometimes and you guys make it better. And to think that I can do the same for you is why I feel I owe you all the videos in the world. It's why I try to make my videos better. It's why I apologize thousands of times when I miss some days.
Anyways, I've said it before and I'm sure you're sick of it... but thank you. Thank you so much. For everything. For watching, subscribing, liking, commenting, and most of all for caring. Thank you for caring so much that I have messages asking if everything is okay. Thank you for caring so much that I can't even go on Steam anymore because I get so many "hellos" that my computer freaks out a little bit. Thank you for caring so much that I can now say I have over 100 friends. Because you are. You are all my friends. And while we may never meet in person, if we meet at all, I still consider you a friend.

Friday, February 7, 2014

Three AM Doesn't Always Mean Sleep.

I keep forgetting. Forgetting that I don't have the luxuries. Forgetting that a lot of people dislike me. Forgetting that people are mean. Forgetting that I might not be the best. Or even second best. Or sometimes even third. Forgetting that while everyone else I know is out having fun I'm here. Struggling. Forgetting that three am doesn't always mean sleep. But just another rough night. Forgetting that it's almost all an act for me. That most of the time I can bare to forget it all. But forgetting that I'll stop forgetting and start remembering.
Remembering that I might be wasting my time. That I'm probably wasting my time. That I'm almost most definitely wasting my time. Remembering no one really gives a shit. Remember that, "oh, I can't go there because they don't want me there." Remembering that if I'm not hurting myself I'm hurting someone else. And if I'm not hurting someone else I'm hurting myself. Remembering that no matter what I say or how I say it, people just won't get it. Remembering that I can be a piece of shit too. Remembering that I want to stop fucking remembering. Remembering that I have to deal with it. That it's not going away anytime soon and that I just have to suck it up and keep pretending.
Pretending that I don't know all the shit people talk. Pretending that nothing is wrong. Pretending that I'm exactly where I want to be. That I'm on the right track and that I know it. Pretending that I've got it all figured out. That I might actually be the best. Or even second. Hell, I'd even settle for third. Pretending that I'm a goddamn warrior. That I don't want to throw things. Bash things over peoples heads. Run until my legs give out and I can't bare to breath anymore. Pretending that I'm not constantly wishing.
Wishing for a new beginning. A new ending. Or any ending. Wishing I was someone else. Someone who doesn't fuck up all the time maybe. Someone who might go somewhere. Wishing all my hard work actually might pay off. That it will all mean something. Wishing that I might have a chance. Wishing that the last ten years of my life was spent doing the things I love instead of hating every second of my shit job. Wishing I could get off easy like everyone else. Wishing that the random guy in the supermarket telling me I'm gorgeous wasn't the highlight of my week. Wishing that I could be complemented on something other my fucking looks. But something I've accomplished. Wishing I could change the world. Because, what do ya fucking know, I actually want to be the hero instead of the villain. Wishing that I could stop time for like...
I just keep forgetting. Forgetting until it's three am and I'm not asleep. Until it's just another rough night.