Friday, February 7, 2014

Three AM Doesn't Always Mean Sleep.

I keep forgetting. Forgetting that I don't have the luxuries. Forgetting that a lot of people dislike me. Forgetting that people are mean. Forgetting that I might not be the best. Or even second best. Or sometimes even third. Forgetting that while everyone else I know is out having fun I'm here. Struggling. Forgetting that three am doesn't always mean sleep. But just another rough night. Forgetting that it's almost all an act for me. That most of the time I can bare to forget it all. But forgetting that I'll stop forgetting and start remembering.
Remembering that I might be wasting my time. That I'm probably wasting my time. That I'm almost most definitely wasting my time. Remembering no one really gives a shit. Remember that, "oh, I can't go there because they don't want me there." Remembering that if I'm not hurting myself I'm hurting someone else. And if I'm not hurting someone else I'm hurting myself. Remembering that no matter what I say or how I say it, people just won't get it. Remembering that I can be a piece of shit too. Remembering that I want to stop fucking remembering. Remembering that I have to deal with it. That it's not going away anytime soon and that I just have to suck it up and keep pretending.
Pretending that I don't know all the shit people talk. Pretending that nothing is wrong. Pretending that I'm exactly where I want to be. That I'm on the right track and that I know it. Pretending that I've got it all figured out. That I might actually be the best. Or even second. Hell, I'd even settle for third. Pretending that I'm a goddamn warrior. That I don't want to throw things. Bash things over peoples heads. Run until my legs give out and I can't bare to breath anymore. Pretending that I'm not constantly wishing.
Wishing for a new beginning. A new ending. Or any ending. Wishing I was someone else. Someone who doesn't fuck up all the time maybe. Someone who might go somewhere. Wishing all my hard work actually might pay off. That it will all mean something. Wishing that I might have a chance. Wishing that the last ten years of my life was spent doing the things I love instead of hating every second of my shit job. Wishing I could get off easy like everyone else. Wishing that the random guy in the supermarket telling me I'm gorgeous wasn't the highlight of my week. Wishing that I could be complemented on something other my fucking looks. But something I've accomplished. Wishing I could change the world. Because, what do ya fucking know, I actually want to be the hero instead of the villain. Wishing that I could stop time for like...
I just keep forgetting. Forgetting until it's three am and I'm not asleep. Until it's just another rough night.

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