Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Pulling it off.

As 3 am approaches I find myself rambling yet again. Not for self assurance this time. Not for worry. Not for strength. Not for feeling better than you. But just to ramble.
Today I found myself walking a walk that made me also talk the talk. I'm not sure if it was the four hours of sleep I managed to fit in after a 6 hour WildStar rage or just the good vibes. It could have been the money I put in my pocket after a good deed or just the fact that I could eat another day. Or maybe it was the other eight hours of WiiU play with a best friend or just the ride home listening to new music. Either way, some days you just feel like you're pulling it off.
My brain has been thinking up ideas like a machine gun with unlimited ammo. I've been having a creative burst for almost a month now with not enough time or resources to make them all happen. I've been finding myself rearranging my apartment just for a five minute skit. I've been making noise with my computer that may actually one day resemble a song. I've been typing away on my phone every chance I get only to notice I'm typing up a script for a movie I never planned on writing. My mind keeps mixing up German with English only to make me wonder how I've actually retain so much information on a subject I never gave any fucks about, yet suddenly do. I have gained more jobs that don't pay me anything than jobs that pay me even the slightest bit. And somehow those are the jobs I work the hardest on and care the most about. I've reconnected with friends that were more acquaintances than friends and now want nothing more than to see their smiling face.
I know I've said it a thousand and one times but just make it work. Whatever your "it" is just figure out a way to work it into your life. I don't care how much sleep you miss or how mad you get. I don't care if it seems impossible or if you fail. I don't care if people call you crazy or if they can't understand why you do what you do. I don't care if you cry and scream and yell at the sky because no one fucking gets it, because no one fucking cares, and because no one is helping and it's just you fighting over and over again. I'm telling you.... it's worth it. It's worth all of the hard work because of moments like this. All of the frustration is worth it for one night of sitting alone in front of your computer in your apartment you can hardly afford and saying to yourself, "fuck.... everything is not okay... but I'm happy."
I realize that sounds absolutely insane. Maybe it is. Maybe I've gotten to the point where I've worked so hard and lost so much sleep that my mind has gone completely awry. But something somewhere in my fucked up brain is telling me it's not insane and that it's all worth it and that one day... one day... I'm gonna be on top of the fucking world screaming that I was right. Someday I'm not going to just have one day where I'm pulling it off but a never ending streak of days where I'm pulling it off.

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